Vacations
by Cutebutdeadlyalchemist
Summary: Mustang's men go on various vacations which of course means various mishaps.  What could possibly go wrong?
1. Vegas Vacation

**Note: I don't own FMA characters only OCs… Note 2: This takes place a few years later after Brotherhood so Ed and Al are old enough to gamble… Note 3: I will probably mention aspects in time that aren't from their time period… I am sorry. Note 4: Enjoy!  
**

Six people and one black and white dog sat in the military office of Colonel Mustang. They were filling out paperwork that covered almost every surface of the office. (The dog wasn't but whatever)

"Damn, does it ever end?" Ed asked angrily, grabbing another stack of papers and scribbling his signature on them.

"We would already be done if you boys hadn't goofed off earlier," Riza said with a smirk.

"We didn't goof off that much and besides, this paperwork is what built up while we were working on that homunculous case yesterday," Havoc said, not looking up from his paperwork.

"Yeah well I blame that cocky bastard colonel," Edward muttered, "Where is he anyways?"

Everyone shrugged. After working for Mustang for as many years as they had been, they were used to the colonel arriving late almost every morning. Sometimes he didn't arrive at the office until noon. When he did finally arrive, he was usually shot at by Riza but he never did learn his lesson.

At that moment the door opened revealing Colonel Roy Mustang. "Hello everyone," he said happily. He then noticed Hawkeye's hand moving toward her gun and yelled quickly, "Wait wait, Lieutenant, I have an explanation!" Riza pulled her gun from its holster but kept the safety on. This didn't mean much since she could release the safety and shoot Roy within the blink of an eye. "Because you all did such a great job working on the homunculous case and because frankly, looking at this paperwork, you need a break, we are going to Las Vegas."

Everyone was excited at the idea of a vacation, even Riza, although she did bring up the point that if they left they would have even more paperwork when they got back.

"Don't worry about that," Roy began, "I already talked to the higher ups and got some favors. They are going to have people finish the paperwork for you because they believe that we could use a vacation. Plus, like I said, they owe me many favors."

In truth, Roy had to threaten a few people to get what he wanted and he had to set one desk on fire as well but they did owe him favors. And now he owed them one desk.

**One very long, aggravating car ride later:**

They arrived at the Flamingo Resort and Casino late at night. Eager to deposit their things and relax, the gang checked in and found their rooms. It was two to a room- Havoc would be with Breda, Fuery with Falman, and Ed with Al- Roy and Riza would get their own rooms. (For obvious reasons)

Later that night, after eating a wonderful meal and relaxing in their room, they went down to the casino to have some fun.

Havoc, Breda, Falman, and Fuery disappeared to play slot machines and probably blow all of their saved up money.

Roy with Riza following him to make sure he didn't do something stupid, Ed and Al found the poker tables. The boys began to play with two other men with tattoos covering every visible area and cigars hanging out of their mouths. "What, the pretty lady isn't going to play?" one asked drunkenly.

Resisting the urge to pull out her gun and ask him to ask her again, (Roy had told her that if no one was in danger and if she pulled her gun she would be demoted. He didn't want to cause a disaster at the casino.) "No, I do not play poker," she answered.

"Aw why not?" the other asked, "I bet you'd be good at it."

"Hm, sounds like a challenge, Lieutenant," Roy told her, "You should try. Have you ever played?"

"Of course I have," she answered, "Fine, I guess I will."

She sat down and the dealer dealt the first hand. They placed bets and the two men began talking to them. "So he calls you Lieutenant. You military?" one asked.

"As a matter of fact yes," Ed answered, feeling left out of the conversation, "We came as a vacation."

The man shot him a dirty look, "I didn't ask you, shorty. I asked the lady."

Ed began to rant about how he wasn't short and almost knocked over the table before Alphonse pulled him away from the table.

"And so there were four," Roy said with a smirk, "You really shouldn't aggravate an officer."

"What do I care. It's not like you have a gun that you could pull on me," he said.

Roy and Riza exchanged a glance, "Well," Roy said but decided not to say anything. Let him learn the hard way.

At the end of the hand, Riza won the pot. Roy smirked at the dumbstruck looks on the men's faces. "Damn, you got one great poker face, Ms…" he trailed off.

"Riza Hawkeye," she answered, counting her chips.

"Hawkeye, as in the sniper?" the other asked as Riza nodded, confused, "My cousin was in the military, a sniper too in fact."

Riza eyebrows shot up, "And is he still in the military?" she asked.

"Naw, left a while ago, after Ishval," the man said.

Roy and Riza grew quiet at the horrible memories of Ishval. Riza rubbed the scar on her neck from years ago caused by the homunculous absentmindedly.

They played the next rounds in silence, and each time Riza won. The men were dumbstruck at how good the Lieutenant was. Before long, Roy ran out of chips.

"Sorry, sir," the dealer said, "Try again next time." Roy walked away to the bar, much to Riza's dismay. He was such a sore loser.

"What a baby," one man said, "And he's your superior?"

"Yes, he's just a sore loser," Riza explained, "He'll get over it, eventually. He's actually a very competent officer."

They played more hands until a voice sounded over a loudspeaker, "We have a Roy Mustang at the front desk. Will someone please come up to the front to retrieve him."

"Damn it, Colonel," Riza said, rising from her chair, "Goodbye gentlemen, nice talking to you, good luck." Then, she ran to the front desk.

The others were there as well with a very drunk looking Roy in their arms. "What the hell!" Riza yelled. Roy's head looked up at her, eyes glazed over, and smiled. "Damn it," Riza said.

"We can take him back up to the room," Havoc said.

"Aw, but I'm not done," Ed whined, earning him a smack to the back of his head.

"No, I'll take him up," Riza said, "You boys have fun, I've had more than enough."

She put Roy's arm over her shoulder and carefully helped him up to his room. "Wonder what they're gonna do up there," Havoc said with a smirk.

Ed smacked his head, saying angrily, "Get those thoughts out of your head you chain-smoking idiot or I'll tell the Lieutenant, and I think you know what that means."

Havoc shut up and the gang went to go have more fun while the Lieutenant made sure Roy got to bed and was safe.

Needless to say, when they got home, Riza was the only one to win any money and Roy was used as her personal shooting target, earning laughs from the rest of the gang.

**AN**

**I wrote this when I was in Las Vegas. See there's a reason behind my madness… (Mwahahaha)… sorry.. Again sorry if it seemed like a totally different time period (But Just saying that the Flamingo was the first major resort/casino built in Vegas and it was built in the early 1920s-ish I believe) (haha I win)… I apologize. Oh and upon reading this again I realize Al says NOTHING, which is strange because I really like Al… I don't really see him as the gambling type though but I couldn't leave him out, it just couldn't be done. Anyways Review and you get a virtual poker chip (not really).. I shall send it using my awesome ninja powers that I have been reading about in the Ninja Handbook.**


	2. Cruise Catastrophe

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA. Note: This is just a random vacation and is not related to the Vegas trip they took last chapter. People wanted another chapter so I'm changing the overall name of the story. Your reviews weaken me.

* * *

It was a typical day at the office. Fuery was tinkering with a radio, Havoc was smoking, Breda was eating, Falman was working, Roy was talking on the phone, and Riza was staring at him angrily, reloading her weapon. She was furious because they were behind on their paperwork, Ed and Al had yet to show up, and the colonel was eagerly talking on the phone. If their paperwork did not get done, there would be hell to pay.

Finally, Ed and Al burst through the door, eyes gleaming. That is until they saw the Lieutenant's angry expression and her gun. "Oh hi, boys," she said almost too sweetly. There were fresh bullet holes in the wall above the colonel's head.

The boys gulped as Hawkeye moved her gun. She knew she would never shoot at them, but of course this remained unbenounced to them. "Woah, wait, Lieutenant," Ed began, holding his hands up in mock surrender, "We can explain and I think it'll make you happy." Her gun did not falter and Ed continued, "See, we were helping some lady and she wanted to pay us. Turns out she owns some cruise line and gave us tickets. Better yet, she said we could take anyone so we thought we'd ask you guys because you guys helped us so much and…" he rambled until Alphonse grabbed ahold of him, forcing him to be quiet.

"What he means to say is would you guys care to join us?" Al said. Everyone's eyes lit up although Riza was still skeptical.

"What about all the paperwork?" she asked and the men frowned. It wasn't as if she did not want a vacation. She just knew the consequences of not doing the paperwork on time.

"We already talked to the Fuehrer and he agreed that you all need a break," Ed said winking to Al. Hawkeye opened her mouth to retaliate but Ed added with a smirk, "And you can't disobey the Fuehrer." The Lieutenant was defeated. Even she thought a vacation would be nice.

So it was decided that they would go on the cruise; albeit a short one but a vacation nonetheless. None of them had ever seen a cruise ship and they were in complete awe at the extravagance. The rooms were bigger than the tiny apartments they lived in. The food was exquisite. It was paradise.

Immediately, the men went to the pool, sipping drinks and laughing loudly. Riza lied in a chair, reading her book and sipping her own drink. They never got to relax this way at home without feeling her wrath.

The colonel was eagerly flirting with a young waitress at the bar, leaning on a barstool and flashing her his award winning smile. Edward looked on, disgusted by Mustang's womanizer behavior. "Watch this," he told Havoc who was next to him, watching the colonel- or should I say the waitress- with interest. Ed clapped his hands together and the stool Roy had been leaning on fell as if hit by an invisible force. Roy toppled to the ground causing the waitress to laugh and walk away to where Havoc was eagerly waiting. Mustang didn't know what was bruised more, his body or his ego.

"You little pipsqueak!" Roy yelled angrily, turning on Ed who had turned bright red at the insult. Al face-palmed; he knew what was about to happen. Roy chased Ed around the pool while both of them yelled insults to one another. Just as the colonel slipped on his gloves, he felt himself falling into the pool. With his gloves soaked, he looked up and Riza who stood looking at Ed and him angrily, gun in hand.

"What the hell was that for?" Roy asked.

"This is supposed to be a vacation and I don't want you setting the ship on fire," she said, "And now that you're wet, you're useless." A look of horror and despair flashed on Roy's face as he slowly got out of the pool to go sulk in a corner.

"Emo, god complex Colonel," Ed mumbled under his breath but just loud enough for Hawkeye to hear.

But just before she could turn to the blond boy, a voice sounded behind her, "Excuse me, Miss?" A man tapped on her shoulder. "Is that a gun?" he asked nervously, "Firearms are not allowed on this ship and I'm afraid we'll have to confiscate it." The Lt. reluctantly handed her gun to him, making sure to unload the ammo and slip it into her pocket. The man walked away and Riza turned to Roy and Ed, a murderous look in her eyes.

"Just because I don't have my gun doesn't mean you can misbehave," she warned, "So you better behave." The men gulped.

The rest of the trip was spent with little commotion although Ed did use alchemy to beat Roy at shuffleboard. Mustang wasn't happy about that at all.

When they returned, a note from the Fuehrer was waiting on Mustang's desk. He read it, frowning and crumpling it his hand. "What did it say?" Havoc asked.

"It said that due to our unannounced vacation that we have to work overtime to get all of our paperwork done," Roy answered.

Everyone turned to the Elrics. "What? We thought you guys needed a break," Ed said. They had only told a small lie. No big deal. He had expected at least that Hawkeye had made sure that the vacation was alright. Obviously, he had been wrong.

The Lt. unlocked a drawer of her desk, pulling out a gun. Roy pulled on his gloves. "I told you to behave," she said angrily.

The Elrics sweat-dropped. They should have known better to mess with Mustang and his subordinates.

* * *

~AN~

Hope you enjoyed it. Special thanks to Risasakura! Your review- like I said earlier- weakened me. Plus, with everything that's been going on- read my Revenge story- I wanted to write something humorous.

Also, I really didn't come up with the idea. Strongandsilentalchemist helped me during World Geography to make this up. I just wrote the details. Thanks Hailey-chan!

Oh and one more thing: Sorry if I make Riza seem really mean. Trust me, I like her character a lot. She's so BA. Lo siento (I am sorry).

In the future I may write more chapters if I can think of ideas but for now here you go…


	3. Disneyland Dilemmas

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA or Disneyland because if I did I would be rich because of their insane prices.

Note: Thank you to strongandsilentalchemist and Oxenstierna D. Yuki-Rin for the idea.

* * *

The Fuehrer walked briskly into the office of Colonel Roy Mustang. Upon his arrival, everyone stood, saluting. For once they had all been doing their paperwork. "Sir, to what do we owe this honor?" the colonel asked.

"I have a mission that I feel is only right for you and your team," he began, "There is a new amusement park that has just opened in the west. We need you and your team to conduct an investigation to prove whether or not it is corrupting the minds of our youth. Do you accept?"

"Yes, sir," Roy saluted and the Fuehrer left the room. The next few minutes were spent in silence as his subordinates tried to register what had just happened.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Al?" Ed asked.

"Vacation?" Al asked.

"Exactly," Ed nodded heading for the door. Then he doubled back, "Are you guys coming?" Mustang and the others followed close behind them.

~One aggravating train ride later~

The group approached the gate of the theme park and Mustang went to buy tickets. They didn't know what to expect and by the time they were in the front of the admission line, Mustang appeared with a handful of tickets. "Damn, this place will bankrupt us. Their prices are insane," he complained. Ed rolled his eyes.

"He's morally bankrupt and actually bankrupt," Ed mumbled. They stepped through the gate, handing a man their tickets and stood in awe. Children were running around clad in costumes of some sort. Parents were watching them and seemed to be enjoying themselves as well.

"Are we in another world?" Al asked.

"We might be," Ed said, "Maybe we passed through a gate or something?"

They proceeded to split up to "investigate". Ed and Al went to Toon Town; Roy and Riza went to Tomorrow Land; Havoc and Breda went to Storybookland and Fantasy Land; Fuery and Falman went to Adventure Land. They were supposed to rendezvous at Tom Sawyer's island. (Yeah b4 pirate island came to be)

"This place is strange, brother," Al said as they walked through the "town", "All the characters are smiling too much."

"I know but at least we aren't doing paperwork," Ed said.

Suddenly the brothers were mobbed by a group of kids. "Which character are you?" on asked.

"Can I get your autograph?" another asked. Al got a confused- well as confused as armor can look- look on his face and looked to his brother for help. Ed shrugged.

"Um, no, I'm not," he stuttered and the once innocent faces of the kids turned into murderous looks. Al sweat dropped and Ed hurriedly pulled him to a ride away from the kids. "Thanks brother." Al said, "The kids looked as though they were about to attack me."

"Um excuse me, but you aren't tall enough to ride this ride," a woman instructed them, tapping Ed on the shoulder.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT HE CAN'T EVEN REACH THE LAP BAR TO PULL IT DOWN!" Ed screamed.

"You," the lady deadpanned and Ed began to sulk.

"Brother, stop eroding away," Al said pulling him from the ride. (If you got that Ouran reference you are my new best friend!)

"This is entertainment?" Riza asked skeptically as they passed the rocket that spun in a circle, lifting you into the air.

"I guess," Roy answered. Kids everywhere were running around, pointing plastic guns at each other and pretending to fight. "Well at least they're teaching them how to fire a gun," Roy said with a smirk.

"Test you accuracy, beat you friends and shoot the bad guys," a voice sounded behind them. Upon further examination, they found it to be coming from a man standing outside a ride call "Buzzlightyear" something or other. It was a ride where you shot moving targets.

"I challenge you, Hawkeye," Roy announced, then added with a smirk, "Winner buys dinner." Riza smacked him upside the head but followed him into the ride. Like she had a choice; he was her commanding officer. They sat in a small car-like thing with 2 plastic guns attached and a scoreboard.

Riza looked at the toy gun pointing it at something which in turn pointing a small red beam of light at the opposite wall and frowned. "What's wrong?" Roy asked as he took in her expression.

"These are rigged," she explained, "They don't aim accurately." She then pulled out her own gun from where she was secretly hiding it and smirked. This was more like it.

"Fine then I'm using these," Roy said pulling on his gloves.

~Approximately 2 minutes later~

The place was a mess. Small targets were hanging from cables; others were completely destroyed and littered the ground. Small fires were slowly extinguishing themselves.

"Well Lt., looks as though I have won," Roy said as they passed by dumbstruck workers, completely oblivious to the damage they had caused.

"I don't think so, Sir," Riza replied, equally oblivious.

"Do it again! Do it again!" little kids were yelling, pointing at Roy and surrounding him, "Set something else on fire!"

Roy smirked at the sudden attention and Riza rolled her eyes. "Edward may be right. You do have a god complex," she mumbled, pulling him away before he had time to snap.

~Meanwhile~

Two men ran from a ride, holding their ears. "This place is corrupting the minds of our youth," Havoc yelled to Breda who nodded in agreement. Behind them were small children waiting paciently to board a ride called "Small World".

After a couple hours of "investigating" the team boarded the small raft to Tom Sawyer's island. Edward and Alphonse looked like little kids, running around and going into the caves. In truth, the military men wanted to join them but that would be unprofessional.

Suddenly, Edward came running to the men. "Come look!" he yelled and turned in the direction he had come. They followed him into a dimly lit cave and found the two Elric brothers staring, mouth agape at an outcrop of the cave. Roy stepped closer and his mouth dropped just as the boys' had. In the outcropping was a plethora of shiny red stones.

"Are those… philosopher stones?" Havoc asked incredulously.

"They might be," Roy answered still in awe.

Riza rolled her eyes, grabbing Mustang by his shirt collar. "Colonel, those can't be philosopher stone. Now let's go," she said and the group left. The Elrics vowed to come back to make sure but when they returned the island was converted into a pirate island and the stones were gone.

~Later~

"So, Mustang. What have you and your team concluded?" the Fuehrer asked. Roy stood and prepared to give his report.

"After a day of observation, my team has concluded that this park is indeed corrupting the minds of our youth," Mustang announced.

The Fuehrer nodded. "I was afraid of this. Unfortunately, this theme park owns much of the entertainment and other major companies of the world so we can't exactly close it down. Hmmmm. Well good work, Mustang. You are dismissed."

"Yes, Sir!" Mustang saluted and walked out the door. The whole way back to the office he wondered about the strange world known as Disneyland.

* * *

~AN~

Hope you liked it! I've been actually working on this for a while but what with finals have not had enough time to both study and type this and school comes before fanfiction. Sorry. Again thanks to the people whom I mentioned earlier and princesscay I shall right your chapter soon.

By the way... doesn't it seem like Disneyland owns everything nowadays... It's insane... just like their prices. They shall corrupt the minds of our youth!


	4. SeaWorld Shinanigans

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA or any of its characters. I don't own SeaWorld either… Special thanks to Hawkpath13 for the idea… and to Hailey-chan for giving me ideas to write… You guys are the best! Oh and thanks to

Oxenstierna D. Yuki-Rin for the Armstrong idea... I added it in. XD

* * *

"Why the hell are we here?" Edward complained as he walked alongside his brother and other military comrades.

"Because Lt. Havoc said this place was supposed to be fun," Alphonse answered.

"Yeah for little kids," Ed said and Roy smirked.

"Then you should be having fun, Fullmetal," Roy chided causing Ed to turn bright red with anger.

"Don't anger him, Sir. You know it will just make it worse," Hawkeye scolded and Roy chuckled. Riza had learned that an angry Ed was not easy to manage and it didn't help when her commanding officer was the one who angered him.

"Whatever, Colonel with a god complex," Ed muttered under his breath, "Anyways, this place is just an underwater zoo."

"You said you thought zoos were fun, Brother," Al said and Ed shook his head in denial. "Just last week you said…"

~Start Flashback~

Ed moaned loudly, throwing his pen onto his desk causing Alphonse to look up in alarm. "Ugh I hate all this damn paperwork. It's so annoying. Why can't we do anything fun?"

"Like what?"

"I don't know. Maybe we could go to a zoo?"

~End Flashback~

Ed was beginning to turn red again and Roy could not hold his laughter back anymore. Ed looked straight ahead, trying to ignore the snickers from Roy and the others behind him. "Are you boys done chastising Edward because we are supposed to be having fun?" Riza asked although you could tell that even she had shared a laugh at Ed.

"Oh let's go to the tide pools!" Winry yelped, practically dragging Ed in the direction of the pools.

"Wait! Slow down you crazy gear head!" Ed yelled at her, struggling to stay on his feet as she dragged him after her.

"Why did we come here again?" Ed asked as Winry awed over the cute little starfish.

"Because they are adorable!" Winry said, her eyes flashing with a look that said, "Enjoy yourself or else!"

"Be careful, Fullmetal," Roy said, "Don't fall in or you may drown."

Ed looked at the one foot deep water next to him, his face turning the same red hue of a tomato. "WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT THE WATER MOLECULES LOOK BIGGER THAN HIM!"

"That's not what he said, Ed," Winry sighed. "And if you don't like the tide pools then what would you like to do?"

Edward contemplated that for a moment and, as if the gods of fun were sending a message, screaming could be heard. Ed turned around, his eyes gleaming with excitement. He pointed to the sky where they could see a large roller coaster. "That one!" he said, running with Al ahead of the group.

"Does anyone find it odd that we didn't see that earlier?" Havoc asked and everyone shrugged, mumbling something about the poor writing staff. (AKA ME!)

Edward and Alphonse, ahead of the others, loaded themselves into the roller coaster car, not even caring that their friends were not with them. The roller coaster slowly made its way up the ramp and the boys' adrenaline was rising with each second they got higher. Then, the car came to a brief stop before it plunged down, causing the boys' stomachs to jump to their throats. It ended with them being splashed by a wave of water, drenching them completely.

"Brother!" Alphonse yelled and Ed brushed back a lock of wet, golden hair from his eyes.

"Yeah, Al?" Ed asked and looked over to his brother. All Alphonse did was point to his head and the boys began to panic. "Don't panic! We'll just ask to go get it."

…

"Sorry boys. I could lose my job if I let you go out there," the worker explained and the boys began to panic once more. They ran off the ride to the waiting military officers who all wore a look of shock on their face.

"Alphonse, where is your head?" Riza asked and the boys' eyes fell.

"It fell off and the worker won't let us go and get it," Al explained.

"I'll be right back," Riza said, walking toward the ride.

"Poor guy," Havoc mumbled as he watched her approach the worker. There was a brief period of talking, which turned into arguing, which turned into Riza flashing something in her pocket and soon enough, the worker disappeared and reappeared holding Al's armor head. Hawkeye handed it to Alphonse who gratefully placed it back on his head, thanking the Lt.

"Alright, now it's my turn, Ed because you got to pick the last thing," Winry said and the military officers rolled their eyes. Those two acted like such children sometimes, although they kind of still were children so it was to be expected. "Let's go to the Shamu show!" Again, Edward was dragged by Winry to the next location.

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! PLEASE TAKE YOUR SEATS. THE SHOW IS ABOUT TO BEGIN!" a voice boomed over the loudspeaker, causing the gang to jump at the sudden noise. Looking around, they saw a huge man with a microphone standing in front of the entrance. A huge, muscular man.. with a mustache?

"Major Armstrong?" Ed asked, "What are you doing here?"

The unnaturally tall man looked down at Edward, patting his head while announcing, "The Shamu Show has been passed down the Armstrong line for generations and it was my turn to run it. My sister says that she does not want to take part in this 'foolish' position," he said, quoting the 'foolish'. The gang nodded their heads, quickly moving past the man and took their seats. The show began and the trainers brought out the whales, showing off their tricks and telling jokes.

"Alright everyone, get ready!" one of the trainers yelled as Shamu jumped into the air, landing in the water and causing a huge wave of water to envelope the bystanders, including Mustang and the others.

"Damn it!" Mustang said, looking at his drenched body.

"What, kitty doesn't like the water?" Ed asked with a smirk and Roy's onyx eyes shown with anger.

"Why you little…" Roy began, preparing to snap when he realized that he could not make a spark. Ed smirk grew more prominent as he began to laugh at the Colonel.

"Colonel, it's bad enough that you are useless on rainy days but you are also useless in the splash zone," Riza complained with a shake of her now wet head. Roy's eyes widened with sadness as he went to sulk by the exit.

"He has such a god complex," Edward mumbled and everyone agreed.

"Are you done sulking, Colonel, or do you need a hug?" Edward asked and Roy glared at him.

"You know, Fullmetal, that whale could easily mistake you for a small fish and eat you," Roy countered and the fight began. Their fight abruptly ended when Al grabbed ahold of Edward, stuffing him into his armor and Riza grabbed ahold of Roy as Havoc jumped water on him. A wet Roy, with a now wet and very pissed looking Hawkeye grabbing his arm, glared at the smoking blond with an empty bucket dripping with water in his hands.

"Useless again, Colonel," came the muffled voice of Edward from Al's armor, "Two times in less than fifteen minutes. Is that a new record?"

Al smacked the armor hard so that on the inside, a ringing sound had Edward grabbing his ears in pain. "Stop it, Brother," he scolded, "Your aren't in any better position than the Colonel is." Edward began to whine to his brother as the gang began to leave the park.

"You know, Hawkeye," Roy began and Riza looked over to him, "We might dry faster if we removed our clo…" he began only to be hit upside the head by Riza.

"Do not push it, Colonel," Riza warned with a look in her eyes that said, "Finish that statement and I will shoot you where you stand."

The group left SeaWorld with Ed trapped in Alphonse's armor, Roy and Riza sopping wet, and the others laughing hysterically at them.

* * *

~AN~

Sorry that it's been so long since I've updated... I haven't really been in the humorous story mood so I've currently been writing a very depressing Naruto story... Anyways, I hope you like this. I feel that this is pretty much banter between Roy and Ed a lot but that's funny right? Thanks again to the people I mentioned earlier for the idea and thanks to all who have reviewed and given me ideas! They are greatly appreciated! Hope to get the next one out sooner this time but what with school I make no promises. Thanks for R&R-ing!


	5. Grand Canyon Chaos

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA... nor do I really own the idea. Thanks to Strongandsilentalchemist for the wonderful ideas that I just play off of!

* * *

Roy walked down the long expanse of hallway at a brisk pace, his military shoes making a rhythmic beat as they hit the ground. A few soldiers walked passed him, saluting him quickly and he brushed the gesture aside with a nod. He had always hated formalities.

A few steps behind him was his, as most said, bodyguard, Lt. Hawkeye, who looked ahead, her face serious, betraying no emotions. They walked in silence until Roy stopped in front of a large door and Riza stopped, staying outside as Roy entered.

The Fuehrer sat behind his desk and upon Roy's enterance, he beckoned the colonel to a chair. Roy saluted before taking a seat. "Colonel Mustang," the Fuehrer began, "As you've probably heard, the Grand Canyon has their scheduled controlled burns next week."

Roy nodded. He knew that the Grand Canyon always had controlled burns to prevent massive wild fires. He also knew how important it was to not let the flames become uncontrolled for fear of massive damage.

"I'm glad. You see, they are short on experienced staff this year so I want you and your team to help. I feel that your particular brand of alchemy would be useful."

"Yes, Sir," Roy saluted, leaving with his mission.

* * *

Ed and Al looked down into the deep gorge known as the Grand Canyon, their eyes wide with curiosity. Ed was holding onto a branch from a neighboring tree, leaning into the canyon so that his body hung a few feet into the canyon.

"Don't fall, Fullmetal," Roy warned with a smirk, "Obituaries are so time consuming." Edward turned to say something when the branch snapped and Ed began to fall. His eyes grew wide as he lost his balance and just as he was about to fall, Alphonse grabbed ahold of him, pulling him back. "I warned you," Roy said with a shrug.

"Goddamn bad luck Colonel with a god complex," Ed muttered and Roy rolled his eyes, proceeding to walk toward the base where they were to report. Many workers passed them, shooting the military attire clad officers wary glances before whispering amongst themselves.

"That's him?" one softly whispered.

"Yeah. I hear he's kind of a pyromaniac," another answered.

Roy smirked, resisting the urge to laugh aloud. A single chuckle escaped him and Hawkeye looked at him, her eyebrow raised in confusion. "Something wrong, Sir?"

"It's nothing. Just listening to the first impressions." In the time that Roy had been a military officer, he had been called many things: Colonel, The Flame, Hero of the People being his favorites. He had also been called things such as: Bastard, Idiot, Jackass, Womanizer, Sleaze, "Morally Bankrupt Colonel with a God Complex", even brat by some of the older officers but never had he ever heard, to his face, "pyromaniac". He mentally wrote a note to himself to remember that one.

"Ah Colonel Mustang!" said an older man wearing jeans and a shirt with the sleeves rolled to his elbows, "So glad you came!" The two shook hands and Roy made the necessary introductions. The man's name was Robert, the man who was in charge of the controlled burns. "Alright then. Well, I suggest you get some sleep. We start early in the morning. Wear comfortable clothing." And with that the man walked away.

* * *

The sun peaked over the horizon just slightly as workers began to assemble outside preparing for a long day ahead of them. Mustang and his team stood to the side, awaiting further command. Ed was yawning heavily and somewhat loudly causing Roy to shoot him annoyed looks in response.

"Let's get going," Robert said from behind, ushering them down into the canyon. They followed behind, slowly making their way down. By the time they were at the bottom, the sun was already high in the sky.

Edward was practically panting by the time they reached the bottom, and upon seeing the river, he dived right in. "Fullmetal, stop acting like a child," Mustang scolded.

Ed looked at him, his eyes and top of his head the only visible part of his body. He raised his head just so that he could say, "Try having metal limbs and then we'll see who's acting like a kid." Ed proceeded to drift back into the water until he was completely submerged.

"Colonel Mustang's team and Team 7 will work over there," Robert said, pointing away from where they were standing, "The rest of us will work on the opposite side."

The groups separated and Roy was happy to see that the men that were in Team 7 were the men who had called him a 'pyromaniac'. Oh he was going to have some fun.

"Just try not to fail, Colonel," Fullmetal said, punching him from behind.

"Just don't catch yourself on fire."

The men began preparing the area for the burns until Roy waved them away. "I don't need that," he instructed, slipping his gloves on. "Stand back." With a snap, the area in front of him erupted in flames, engulfing the dry shrubs and whatnot. The jaws of the others dropped open and the fire reflected in their wide eyes. Mustang's team paid no attention, already fully aware of the Colonel's alchemic powers. "I'll show them pyromaniac," he muttered, snapping to again engulf more dry brush in flames. He began to laugh, quickly snapping and setting more and more on fire.

"STOP IT, COLONEL!" voices yelled in the back of his mind.

"YOU DAMN PYRO!" another seemed to yell.

"DAMN IT, MUSTANG!"

Then, Roy stood, completely drenched, sitting in the Colorado River. Small flickers of flames were being put out and his team looked down at him with angry expressions. Their hair was stained with ash and their faces were warm from the heat of the flame. Men stood away from them, their eyes wide with shock as they looked from the remnants of the fire to the man who had caused them. Roy suddenly found himself feeling a bit sheepish.

The silence was broken by a familiar voice, "Well I guess we're done. Great work everyone." Slowly everyone made their way back up the canyon.

Roy raised himself from the water, ignoring the looks from his subordinates. Suddenly, Edward began to laugh. "Haha, they were right. You are a pyro!"

"You stupid little pipsqueak!" Roy said, snapping his fingers to no avail.

"Colonel, it's a good thing you're useless when wet," Hawkeye said nonchalantly and Roy was reduced to that of an 'emo corner' state.

"Morally bankrupt colonel with a god complex to match," Ed said.

"Brother, be nice," Alphonse scolded but even he was holding back a laugh. With Riza pulling the Colonel from his current state, the crew made their way back to central.

* * *

"Good job, Mustang," the Fuehrer said much to Roy's confusion.

"Sir?"

"You did well with the Grand Canyon burns."

"But Sir, the burns almost got out of control. I went a little overboard," Mustang admitted, rubbing the back of his neck nervously.

"That aside, you managed to get it done in half the time. A real accomplishment even though you did scare over half the working staff. Good work! And pass that message to your team. Until next time," the Fuehrer said, dismissing him with the wave of his hand.

That was the last time that the 'Pyromaniac' Alchemist was ever invited back to the Grand Canyon.

* * *

~AN~

Wow this took forever to write. But I finally got it done. Again thank you Hailey-chan! Hope you liked it everybody! I've been busy with school and whatnot and have been suffering from FMA writers block meaning that writing Death Note and Naruto fanfictions has not been a problem but writing this story has for some reason been challenging.

If you've ever been to the Grand Canyon, you may know what I am referring to when Ed almost falls in. When I went there were many people who held onto branches of tree that stood maybe about two feet from the edge. They hung onto said branch and proceeded to lean into the canyon. As if standing on the edge wasn't scary enough. The whole time I was watching them, halfway shielding my eyes and chanting, "Don't fall... don't fall." Yeah... anyways... ideas and criticism are always welcome and greatly appreciated!


	6. Knott's Berry Farm Fieldtrip

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA and thanks Hailey for the idea!

Note: All these chapter seem to start with Ed doing paperwork.. I don't know why but I'm sorry if it seems repetitive…

* * *

Ed felt himself plummeting faster and faster. He could taste hints of blood in his mouth as he bit down on his cheek, his hands gripping the bars in front of him. He could not tell how the others were reacting, and the speed was blurring his vision. All he could do was hope that he made it off this thing alive.

***A FEW HOURS EARLIER***

Edward Elric yawned heavily, staring at the mountain of paperwork in front of him that never seemed to get any smaller. In fact, it seemed to keep piling up. Everyone else sat at similar desks, scrambling to get their paperwork done so that they might leave on time for once. This seemed to be the routine in Colonel Roy Mustang's team: paperwork, procrastinate, paperwork, leave late. The 'norm' for his men.

Roy walked in, sitting at his desk and looking at his men with amusement. That is until Lieutenant Hawkeye began shooting him looks that screamed, "Do your work or I will shoot you." He began to work, not before saying, "Careful, Fullmetal. It that pile falls we'll never be able to find you."

Edward turned bright red, his hand squeezing the pen so hard it almost broke. Before he could retort, a messenger hurried in saying, "Mr. Fullmetal, sir. Fuehrer Bradley wishes a word with you." Edward got up, shooting the Colonel a dirty look, and headed toward the Fuehrer's office.

He was ushered inside by the Fuehrer's secretary and then told to take a seat in one of the chairs facing the Fuehrer. Ed obeyed, saluting before taking a seat. "You wanted to see me?"

King Bradley nodded, resting his chin on his hands and staring at Edward intently. Ed began to squirm under his gaze until he began, "You are young Fullmetal and that is what makes you perfect for this assignment. We have been put in charge of a new source of 'entertainment' in our nation. Your job is to take a team and test out the entertainment."

"And this entertainment would be…" Edward began.

"We call it and amusement park."

* * *

Ed had decided to take Mustang's team, although for now they were Elric's team. He liked the ring of it, especially since it made Roy a bit angry. If there was anything Roy Mustang hated it was being ordered around by someone younger than him… and shorter than him.

So the team showed their IDs at the front gate and were led inside, no ticket necessary thanks to the Fuehrer. They were to test every ride possible and make sure that it was safe and entertaining. Truthfully a moronic mission that no one knew why they had to do it except that the Fuehrer told them to. Not that the group could complain. They were getting a break from paperwork.

According to the Fuehrer, the military was investing in theme parks to try and accumulate more money to be used toward better equipment and weapons. Not a bad idea when you think about it. So, the Fuehrer wished to make sure it was worth the money they were investing and what better way to test it than to send the youngest military officer in Amestris, Edward Elric.

The group tried a few rides some of which were great for adults and some of which would bore adults but put a smile on the faces of the children. There was a good balance of the two.

"Well, this has been entertaining to say the least," Havoc commented from the back of the group, taking out a cigarette and his lighter.

"Excuse me, Sir," a worker said, pointing to Havoc, "This is a no smoking zone."

Havoc frowned, putting out his cigarette and throwing it away. "Damn, spoke too soon," he mumbled angrily, looking a bit depressed.

"Let's go on that one!" Ed yelled, pointing up quickly, breaking Havoc from his stupor. In front of them towered a ride of immense proportions. It spewed water to all sides and when the group approached they could feel the mist hit their faces. Edward and Alphonse looked like two boys as they quickly raced through the gate and into line. Everyone went to follow except Roy who was currently being held back by the collar.

"Lieutenant, what the hell are you doing?" he asked as he looked to see he capturer.

Riza sighed, shaking her head. "You know you are useless when wet, Colonel. What if something happens and you have to use alchemy."

Roy's mouth dropped open in shock as he took on the depressed look Havoc had previously been wearing. Everyone laughed and left the dumbstruck colonel with Hawkeye to join the Elrics.

As the gang waited in the monstrous line, Riza sat next to a very sad looking Roy on a bench, enjoying the sunshine.

"Why can't I go?" Roy asked.

Riza giggled. "You sound like a little kid. I already told you. And anyways, it is a little cold to be getting soaking wet."

Roy's eyebrows shot up in realization. "You don't want to get wet." Riza shrugged and Roy smirked as he stood up, acting casual. Before she could react, Roy scooped the Lt. into his arms and dragged her toward the entrance. She protested, proceeding to yell at Mustang to let her down, lest she pull out her gun. "Nice try, Lt., but you were ordered not to bring your gun." She shot him a "if looks could kill" look as he dragged her onto the ride and they were whisked away.

Riza Hawkeye did not know whether she should strangle the man here or later. She was soaked to the bone and he was smirking his signature smirk at her, as if daring her to do something.

"Now that wasn't so bad," he said and she glared at him.

"Don't ever do that again," she scolded, turning away from the Colonel and following the group away. Needless to say the rest of the time, Riza stayed as far away from Roy as possible.

* * *

According to the map of the theme park, there were only a few rides left to see before their mission was done, Camp Snoopy and Silver Bullet. As they approached Camp Snoopy, Edward realized what kind of attractions were in store for them.

"A kid part of the park?" he asked aloud, looking at the small rides and all of the little children accompanied by their parents.

"Looks as though this is Fullmetal's part," Roy commented.

"Won't have any trouble getting on these rides, eh Fullmetal?" Havoc added.

Ed turned bright red, steam almost visibly coming out his ears. "WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL HE IS MISTAKEN FOR A TODDLER?"

"You," Roy deadpanned and Ed glared at him. Alphonse grabbed him before he could do anything to the Colonel, telling him that that was not what the men had meant.

* * *

They got through Camp Snoopy and Silver Bullet quickly, finishing their mission and making their way back home. Edward wrote his report, giving it to the secretary to give to the Fuehrer. Overall, theme parks were going to accumulate much money for the military.

* * *

~AN~

I am so sorry for the late update to anyone who is still reading this. I have hit complete writer's block and have run out of ideas. Maybe my friends will have some that I can work with. Please stay tuned and I will hopefully have the next chapter up soon. THanks for reviewing!

Anyways, I put a little Royai in there because I felt like it. And I think Ed would actually like Camp Snoopy a lot. Anyways, stay tuned and if anyone has any ideas, please send them my way...


	7. Mesa Verde Mission

**Disclaimer: I own nothing!**

**Note: Hey ya'll! Long time no see! Remember me? I'm the one who takes long hiatuses on this story because I have no ideas anymore... but you guys still seem to like the story so i guess we'll see how this plays out! Sorry about the hiatus! What with Honors English reading (who gives summer homework... seriously?), my Death Note letters thingy and my Naruto story, things have been a little crazy... **

**So without further delay I bring you... Fullmetal's trip to Mesa Verde, Colorado thanks to strongandsilentalchemist (my "official" friend)**

* * *

"How the hell did we end up here anyways?" Ed asked in an annoyed tone.

Roy smirked, shaking his head. "What do you have short term memory loss, Fullmetal?" he asked.

Alphonse hung on to Ed's shirt as he tried to punch the colonel as he yelled, "Short! I'm not short!"

Alphonse shook his head, muttering, "That's not what he said, Ed."

…**EARLIER…**

"All of you pack your things. We have a mission," Roy ordered, walking into the office. The men looked at him skeptically before shrugging and returning to their paperwork. They did not even ask where it was that he was taking them anymore. It had just become the norm.

"Where are we going, Colonel?" Hawkeye asked.

Roy sighed, sitting back in his chair and propping his feet on his desk. "The Fuhrer is having us go to a place called Mesa Verde to find something or other."

"Sounds boring," Edward commented.

"And he also said there may be a clue as to how the Elrics can get their bodies back," he added, and Ed stood up, heading toward the door.

"Let's go pack, Al," he said, completely forgetting his earlier comment.

Roy shook his head as the boys left. "So predictable."

…**PRESENT TIME…**

"What the hell are we going to find in a bunch of caves?" Edward asked staring up at the caverns carved into the rock. It didn't seem like that big a deal to him. The only thing keeping him here was the hope that they may find something to return their bodies to normal.

The military officers began hoisting themselves onto wooden ladders leading into the cave like structures without as much as a comment to Ed.

Mustang looked at Edward who in turn sneered at him. "Careful Fullmetal. I'm not sure that you're tall enough to reach each rung of the ladder."

Edward's face turned bright red, and Alphonse had to again hold on to his coat to keep him from climbing the ladder and making the officer's fall.

"Brother, don't. You'd hurt the other officers and they didn't do anything," he said, not wanting his brother to cause the ladder to collapse. In truth, Colonel Mustang probably deserved it, but the other officers did not, especially not Hawkeye who was completely innocent.

"Sir, stop provoking him," Hawkeye said as she continued up the ladder above Mustang.

"It's so hard to stop. He makes it so easy," Roy complained, then added, "Are you afraid he might break the ladder? Don't worry, Lieutenant. I'll catch you if you fall."

At that moment, Riza moved sharply, causing the ladder to wobble. Roy lost his balance for a split second and had to grab onto the ladder for dear life. Hawkeye continued up the ladder without a word, distancing herself from the Colonel.

"Morally bankrupt," Edward muttered, and Roy was tempted to kick the little bean off the ladder.

…**OOO...**

"I see nothing except abandoned dwellings," Edward said, walking around the kivas situated in the middle.

"Thanks for stating the obvious, Fullmetal," Havoc mumbled, earning a death glare from Ed.

Edward turned away, trying to contain his anger. What was it, pick on Fullmetal day? "I just want to know what is so great about this place," he mumbled, trying to distance himself from the other officers. He didn't appreciate being constantly chastised.

"Wow, look at these, brother," Al said, pointing into the large kivas. "What are they?"

"They're kivas. Many believed they were used for religious ceremonies. They are very popular in old Indian architecture and…" Falman began only to be silenced by his fellow officers.

"We don't need the complete rundown, Officer Falman," Hawkeye said, and Falman grew quiet.

"Wow, it's so dark. I wonder what's inside," Edward said, peering cautiously down the small opening.

"Why don't you go look," Roy said, pushing him slightly on the back. Edward, who lost his balance from the push, fell headfirst into the kiva, landing with a loud thud and a moan. Roy and the other men suppressed their laughter as Edward recovered from his tumble. Then, because Roy was in the pick on Fullmetal mood, he grabbed ahold of the ladder, pulling it from the deep kiva and setting it aside, trapping Edward in the kiva for the moment.

"Too bad he's not tall enough to…" Roy began only to feel the familiar, wet sensation of water being thrown on him. He shook the water from his hair, looking to see who the culprit was. Hawkeye stood behind him, her hands slightly wet. "What the hell was that for?"

"It seems to work with Hayate when I throw water on him when he's bad. I thought it might work for you. You are called a dog of the military after all. And besides, you don't like getting wet," she deadpanned, and Roy became quiet.

"Cheer up, Sir. So what if you're useless when wet," Havoc said, patting his superior's back. At that instant, Havoc pushed him a bit too hard, intentionally of course, into the kiva's opening. Roy fell to join Fullmetal who was all too eager to fight.

"Agh! Fullmetal, stop now!" Roy's cries could be heard by the other officers who laughed in response.

…**OOO…**

"Thanks a lot, Havoc," Roy said after he managed to get out of the kiva. His hair was tousled, not in the way it normally was, and his clothing was slightly brown from the dirt. Fullmetal looked no different as he walked beside Al who was keeping a close eye on him to prevent trouble.

"So Colonel, where's this thing that's going to get our bodies back?" Edward called behind him to Roy.

Roy pointed ahead toward a small tunnel. "Why don't you try in there?"

Edward shrugged, turning toward the tunnel. Its height was very small, the top of it grazing Edward's head. He looked back to notice no one following him. How could they? He was the only one who could fit.

"Well, it's a good thing I'm so small or this would be practically impossible," he mumbled to himself only to explode with anger at himself. "NO IT'S NOT!" he screamed, throwing a fit inside the small tunnel.

"Ah, Brother," Alphonse began as rocks began to fall from the ceiling. Soon, the entrance to the tunnel was completely closed off, trapping Edward in the tunnel and the rest of the military officials and Al on the other side.

Roy looked at the tunnel before turning back the way they had come. "Well that's unfortunate," he said.

"He was a fine state alchemist," Havoc added, following Mustang close behind.

The rest nodded in agreement as they left Edward and Alphonse trying to use their alchemy to free Edward.

…**OOO…**

"Mustang, I thought Fullmetal had gone with your team," the Fuhrer said as Mustang handed in his report.

"Yes, Sir, but he decided they would stay a bit longer," Roy said, leaving the office.

…**OOO…**

As Edward and Alphonse rode the train back to Central, Edward fumed to Alphonse about the morally bankrupt Colonel with a god complex who thought it a good idea to leave him behind.

* * *

**~AN~**

**Ok so a few things:**

**1) thanks to strongandsilentalchemist for ideas and pictures! It helped a lot**

**2) I've never been here so probably half of what I said made no sense whatsoever... but try to live with it.**

**3) imagine cave dwellings carved into the side of a mountain with giant holes in them called kivas that you can go into...**

**4) I love making fun of Edward... and having Roy get wet and useless... it just makes my day. I think Riza should have a spray bottle so she can spray him with water when he's bad...**

**Lastly, thanks to anyone who's still reading! I don't promise when the next chapter will be up. It all depends on if I get ideas I can work with or not! Thank you! **


	8. The Anime Expo Event

**Disclaimer: Omg it's finally done! I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist or any other things I mention in this!**

* * *

"Ok Bastard Colonel, now you've gone too far," Edward Elric muttered as he stared at the seemingly world lying beyond him. Everyone it seemed was dressing ridiculously, milling around, and taking pictures. "It looks like we passed through the gate into another dimension."

"And how is it my fault?" Colonel Mustang argued, equally as confused as his team standing around him. "If anything, it's probably _your_ fault. Trouble tends to follow you wherever you go."

"It's always _your_ fault! You're the cause of _my_ problems half the time!" Ed yelled back, attracting the gaze of a group of girls a few feet away. Their eyes widened in excitement and as they rushed forward, the military group, along with Winry, only had time to gulp before practically running for their lives.

**AXAXAXAX**

"Anime Expo?" Winry questioned as she read the sign in front of her. "Edward, where the hell are we?"

Edward shrugged, looking around him. "Ask the colonel," he said with a smirk. "I'm sure he knows."

Everyone's eyes turned to Roy who held his hands up in mock surrender. "How am I supposed to know? The pipsqueak is the one who is the most familiar with strange places!"

"PIPSQUEAK!" Ed yelled but was cut off as a hand came out of nowhere, hitting his head causing him to crumple to the ground in pain.

"Didn't you learn the first time not to shout?" a familiar voice asked sharply.

"Yes, you'll attract the fangirls, you idiot pipsqueak!" another voice said, also very familiar.

"He always was a hopeless pupil."

Edward, after regaining his balance, looked to the newly arrived people in question, noticing that the other officers stood in salute, Roy smirking as well. "General Armstrong?" Ed asked, staring at the long blonde haired woman in front of him. Next to her stood the always muscular, always sparkling Major Armstrong. "Major?" And next to him stood the familiar, black haired woman who was his teacher. "Teacher?" He looked to the three and did a double take, not believing who was in front of him. "What are you three doing here?"

"When we heard of this event, we just had to come, Edward Elric! My family has searched for this kind of entertainment for genera…" Olivier smacked him, silencing him effectively.

"Quiet, you!" she snapped. "More correctly the Fuhrer sent me to make sure the pipsqueak and the colonel don't ruin anything." She looked to her brother with a sigh. "And he tagged along for the fun of it."

Edward and Roy were glaring at the eldest Armstrong daughter in anger as the other military officers tried to stifle their laughter.

"But why is teacher here?" Al asked.

Izumi shrugged. "I was in the north helping General Armstrong fix her security detail and decided to tag along." She smirked. "And I wanted to make sure that Edward wasn't causing any unnecessary grief for the other officers."

"Your confidence in me is just touching," Edward muttered.

"Um excuse me," a girl in a red coat resembling Edward's coat tugged on his sleeve. "Can I get a picture of you all together?"

The group looked at the girl as if she was speaking in a different language until Olivier snapped them out of it by shoving everyone together. The girl snapped a picture and quickly fled in the opposite direction.

"You people could at least try not to look like complete idiots!" Olivier scolded.

Mustang held a hand up to stop the blonde officer before she could say any more. "Before you give us this lecture on how to act in another world, do you mind telling me what the hell all this is!"

Olivier shook her head. "Don't you listen to anything you are told? The Fuhrer would have told you everything when he gave you this mission."

"Yeah Colonel," Ed said slyly. "What did the Fuhrer say?"

Roy smacked the short blond over the head before addressing the General. "He may have said something. But nothing to describe," he gestured to the room around him, "this."

Oliver shook her head once again. "You really are hopeless, aren't you? And you expect to lead the nation. I'll be damned before someone like you rules over this country."

"Then who would you want running this country, besides yourself?" Roy asked angrily. The other military officers began to tune the two out, obviously not a part of the conversation.

"Out of all of you," she said pointing to the officers around them, "I would vote for Lieutenant Hawkeye. At least then we'd get things done. Hell, I think I'd vote for Mrs. Curtis before I voted for you."

Hawkeye and Izumi both looked at the two confusedly. Roy shot a look at Hawkeye, as if scoping out the competition. Riza sighed. "Colonel, really? Why would I become Fuhrer?" Roy did not answer, and Riza rolled her eyes.

The other men and Winry looked at each other, ignoring the others. "Yeah, I would vote for Hawkeye," they agreed, causing Mustang to feel even more betrayed by his subordinates.

**AXXXXXXXXA**

"What is with all these weird clothing styles?" Havoc asked, passing by yet another gray-skinned boy with horns protruding from his head. "I mean, everyone's dressed differently and it's in the weirdest attire." Another gray-skinned person with horns passed by the group. "Ok and what the hell are all these horned gray skin people doing here? They're everywhere!"

"That would be a troll. Just keep walking, Lt." Olivier said, leading the group through a throng of people.

"Ok two questions: why are we here and how do you know so much about this place?" Edward asked.

Olivier shrugged. "If the colonel had actually listened to what the Fuhrer had wanted then perhaps we would know. I was only sent here to make sure you didn't make a mess of things here. I have no idea what he sent all of you here for. And I did my research, as the colonel should have done."

The colonel was busy fuming in the back of the group, refusing to talk to anyone for fear that they would yet again "betray" him. The group decided to let him remain quiet. They already had enough problems what with Olivier calling Edward a pipsqueak every five seconds.

Another flash of a camera as girls walked past, their eyes gleaming with excitement as they stared at the group of military personnel plus Winry and Izumi. It was beginning to make the group a bit uncomfortable what with them stopping every few seconds to snap a picture. Edward had almost had enough of their constant attention when he suddenly found himself in awe of the thing standing in front of him.

"Hey, Brother, it's me!" Alphonse gasped as they stared at the huge statue of Alphonse as his armored self. Various people were milling around it, taking pictures of each other and smiling happily.

"What is this? Why are they practically worshipping Alphonse!" Edward exclaimed, angered mostly by the fact that his brother was receiving more attention than he. He did not like to be outshined by his brother. His brother already had his height! Why did he need to mock Edward in yet another way?

"Look at that group!"

"I need a picture! Where's my camera?"

A throng of excited young girls crowded around the group as people squeezed in around the group, smiling happily. The group found themselves separated for about five minutes as flashes from cameras went off until an angry looking security guard came and shooed everyone away, telling everyone to move along so as to not block the walkways. Edward sighed exasperatedly, moving to rejoin his comrades quickly so that he wouldn't be bombarded with pictures again.

"Edward!" a voice called behind him, and he spun around to meet the gaze of Winry.

"Winry, let's go," he said, waving his arms at her, beckoning for her to come to him.

"Ed, what are you talking about? I'm right here." Another Winry emerged from behind him, standing next to the first Winry in question. Edward looked between the two, confused out of his mind. The others had gathered behind him, looking at the two in the same confusion.

"Brother, which one's the real Winry?" Alphonse whispered in his ear, and Edward shrugged in response.

"Wait!" Edward exclaimed, realizing something. "I have a way to find out which is the real Winry." He turned to the two look-a-likes with a smirk. "Come on you crazy gearhead!"

"Shut up you alchemy freak!" both said in complete unison, and Edward scowled angrily at them. The people behind him snickered at Edward's confusion as he stared dumbfounded at the two girls.

"Damn it, Winry! Which one's the real one?" Ed cried in confusion.

"Stupid Riley. There you are," another girl dressed in a black shirt with bloodstains adorning her face said as she slid a plastic knife to the girl's, now named Riley, throat. She turned to the group. "Thanks for finding our blond for us. We keep losing her." She looked them up and down for a brief second. "And nice cosplay."

"But Alex! They look just like the real characters!" the girl cried as the bloody girl pulled her away. "Mari, Hailey, help me!"

The girls, Mari and Hailey, were talking amongst themselves, laughing at the Winry imposter's cry for help before snapping a few pictures and heading away.

Before they left, one girl dressed in a black coat and skirt adorned with white lacelike fabric stopped to address them. "I would be careful standing so close to that Al lest you want to be taking pictures in front of him for the rest of the day." She paused briefly, as if admiring them for a brief second, then leaned to Ed. "You should come next year when I cosplay Envy." And with that bit of advice and information she left, pen in hand, ready to write down the day's events to post to the internet.

"That was one of the weirdest things that have happened in a long time," Edward said. "And that's saying something since we've seen what tends to happen to me."

"You're not the only one who's had their fair share of strange, kid," Izumi said, smacking him on the head for good measure.

"Al, remind me again why we wanted her as our teacher?" Ed mumbled, rubbing his head gingerly. Al only could shrug in response.

**AXAXAXAXAXAXAXAXAXAX**

The group needless to say wandered aimlessly around the convention center trying to get Mustang to remember their purpose for coming there in the first place. Many insults and fights later, the gang found themselves wanting to escape this strange world. They decided to let the colonel take the blame if they were to go back to headquarters with whatever mission they had been assigned incomplete. It was his fault after all as General Armstrong pointed out on multiple occasions.

"God, my face hurts," Winry complained, rubbing her cheeks gingerly. "I think I smiled too much today."

"I think we all did," Edward agreed. Countless girls had been approaching the group every second asking for a photo. It became so ridiculous that the group had to practically run around the center to avoid being detained.

So now they found themselves taking shelter in the corner of a room in which people were selling different products, products foreign to the Amestrian group. And yet, some of the men still bought some of their merchandise. Winry also begged for Edward to buy her a cute pink bunny stuffed animal which he finally agreed to after being hit over the head by Winry, Izumi, and even Olivier. Edward was beginning to feel that everyone female was against him at the moment. But, the way he looked at it, he was in a better situation than the colonel. At least not everyone was giving him a hard time.

"Oh my gosh! You are the best cosplayers I've seen all day! I love Royai! Please can I get a picture?" a girl ran up, tugging on Roy and Riza's sleeves. The two looked at each other and then the girl in disbelief.

"Wait, what? Royai? What the hell is that?" Roy asked.

"Duh, it's the love between a colonel and his loyal lieutenant. Roy and Riza. How do you not know this?" the girl proceeded to pull out her phone to show the group a picture of the "Royai" that she spoke of. After the first couple of photos, Riza had to look away in embarrassment. Roy looked at the picture bemused, as well as the other men. The women looked away in distaste at the pictures they were seeing.

"Well, I think we have to take a picture together, Lieutenant," Roy chided. "For the girl's sake." He pulled at her arm, and she obediently stepped closer to him. She could not help but blush as his arm snaked around her hip. The girl snapped the picture and thanked them profusely.

Roy let Riza go, and she quickly moved away as if the colonel was on fire. Havoc was smirking in the back of the group, and they looked to him confusedly. He shrugged. "Sorry, it just looked like the Lieutenant was actually enjoying that." Riza's hand instinctively moved toward her holstered gun. Havoc held his hands up in surrender. "Just stating my opinion! No need to pull your gun!" Her hand relaxed but only slightly.

But now Havoc was curious. "What others of these "lovely pairings" are he asked the girl who was still milling around their group.

"Let me show you!" she said excitedly. She showed them pictures of Winry and Edward in which the two blushed. Al and May came next, and although May wasn't there, Alphonse knew she would be happy. Then, the weird pairings began to surface starting with Havoc and Riza in which Havoc was smirking wildly as Riza was turning to act disinterested and Roy was silently fuming. More photos went by.

"Wait," Riza interrupted, "Why am I paired with practically every military officer?"

"Riza's a popular character," the girl shrugged before moving on. "Oh and then there's yaoi." After the first few photos, the group kindly asked the girl to put her camera away for fear of destroying the convention center through a series of fights with alchemy and fire.

"Can we go home now?" Edward asked, his mind still scarred from the pictures that would be permanently engraved in his mind.

**AXAXAXAXAXAXAX**

"Did you enjoy your trip?" the Fuehrer asked as Mustang stood in salute.

"Trip, sir?"

"Of course. What did you think that Anime Expo was? I thought that your group could use a break and what a perfect way to have some fun than trying something new. I know it would be strange given the circumstances. This Expo is supposed to be introducing the newest entertainment to Amestris. We have to start adapting, Colonel, so that we can attract tourists. So I hope you gained some knowledge as to how Amestris can become a bustling tourist town. You are dismissed."

Roy left dumbstruck. "A freaking vacation! Are you kidding me?" And so he left the office of the Fuehrer, angry that he had to put up with a day of tormenting because everyone thought they were on a mission.

Well there was one good thing that came out of this day.

One word: Royai.

* * *

**~AN~**

**Hey! Long time no write! Sorry about that to anyone who has put up with my hiatus! If you have, I would like to thank you! Ideas for this do not come easy and what with homework and my other stories which I am behind on... well do the math! Anyways, I didn't get a chance to proofread this because Haiwey chan's been bugging to get this posted. So here you go!**

**And yes, I finally inserted myself in the story. I went to Anime Expo dressed as Yuki Cross from Vampire Knight with my friends dressed as Haruhi Suzumiya, BB kun from Death Note, and Winry chan. And yes, to described R chan who is Winry is to say a blond who laughs a lot, turns red when she laughs, and falls off walls. Yeahhhh... sooo**

**Royai is the best isn't it? Thanks to all who still read! You guys are amazing (the ones who read AND review!) Thanks so much!**


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